Helping a Friend After the Trauma of an Abusive Church

Foreword

In Summer 2005 Precious Times Magazine published an article that I started writing in the summer of 1993, Helping a Friend After the Trauma of an Abusive Church. The article is a complement to The Amen Sisters. I wrote it hoping that it would help people who have friends and family involved in abusive church situations.

I am blessed to report that The Amen Sisters is accomplishing its purpose. I have spoken with so many women who say they have experienced the same pain Francine Amen experienced. Women have written that The Amen Sisters is "their" story, in that it closely mirrors events in their lives.

Recently, I have started to ask myself the question: Why do we allow our faith to be shaken when our ministerial leaders fall? I'm still pondering that one so you'll have to wait for you. For now, I share a slightly updated version of "Helping a Friend After the Trauma of an Abusive Church" with you, hoping that you will share it with the people in your life that you think might be helped by reading it.

If you have a story or word of encouragement to share, please share it here. If you prefer, you may e-mail me privately at the address on the Contact page of my website at www.angelabenson.com. You are not alone.

God bless you.

Helping a Friend After the Trauma of an Abusive Church

How do you share with a friend the pain you feel after finding out your pastor is sleeping with several of the female members of the congregation? How do you confide to your friends that your savings account has a zero balance because you funded the pastor’s new wardrobe? How do explain to them that you get more sleep on your job than in your home because of all night Bible Studies? These were things that I wanted, and needed, to talk about after I left, what I now know, was an abusive church. Because I didn’t feel anyone would truly understand my involvement in such a scripturally unsound environment, I kept my thoughts–and my pain–to myself. As a result, the journey to recovery was long and lonely for me. But it doesn’t have to be that way. If you have a friend or loved one who has left an abusive church, there are five things you can do to support your friend through this traumatic time.

1. Forgive her.

She already feels a lot of guilt for the hurt she caused and realizes that although she had good intentions, she was wrong about a lot of things. The abusive church that I left had very strict rules of conduct and man-made restrictions on what it means to be a Christian.

I accepted those rules as truth and tried to warn my friends and loved ones away from their own “worldly” church. I even called some of them “sinner” in my attempt to get them to see the “truth” that I had found. Later, I felt guilty and ashamed. Asking for forgiveness was hard and I never felt the words “I’m sorry” were enough, but they were all I had to give. When your friend asks for forgiveness, give it.

Don’t shrug her request off as nothing, because it’s something to her, and don’t withhold your forgiveness as a way of punishing her for hurting you. “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32

2. Don’t bad mouth her old church.

Though your friend has physically left the church, she may still have an emotional bond to it. It may be difficult for you to understand, but there were some good things that drew your friend to the abusive church. Your friend has to resolve the conflict that she feels over the good and godly that she at one time saw, with the evil and ungodly that she now sees. Any effort on your part to bad mouth the church will make her feel she has to defend it. If she makes negative comments, you can agree with her, but don’t go overboard. “Don’t talk too much, for it fosters sin. Be sensible and turn off the flow!” Proverbs 10:19-21

3. Resist the urge to say, “I told you so.”

You probably told your friend that “something wasn’t right in that church.” Though she now realizes you were right, she does not need to hear you say it. My mother waited about three years to say the dreaded “I told you so” to me and she’ll never know how much her self-control was appreciated. She said those words at the right time, a time when we could both look back on my experience with the wisdom of hindsight and the clarity that only comes with time. As Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7 (NIV) tells us, “there is a time for everything” including “a time to be silent and a time to speak.”

4. Don’t rush your friend back to church.

While you may be worried that your friend has lost her faith and will never return to another church, you have to remember that, despite the situation, God is in control. God opened your friend’s eyes to see the evil in her old church and He gave her the strength to leave. Allow Him to use you and your relationship with Him to make this a time of faith-building for your friend. Invite her to join your circle of Christian friends on outings and informal gatherings so that she can see sincere Christians enjoying life and each other. She’s seen “false” Christians; seeing you and your friends loving God with all your hearts will reaffirm for her that sincere Christians do exist. “set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and purity” 1 Timothy 4:12b (NIV).

5. Pray.

Not only does your friend need your prayers as she recovers from her abusive church experience, so do the people she left behind at the church: the other victims, the victimizers, the enablers, and the innocents. The other victims and the victimizers are easily identifiable but the enablers and the innocents may not be as easy to label. Enablers know about the abuse and, either by silence or encouragement, allow it to continue. Innocents, on the other hand, have no knowledge of the abuse; they are the most likely targets for future abuse. Pray that the Lord helps the other victims to recognize their victimization and take advantage of the opportunity for escape that He always provides. Pray that the eyes of the innocent are opened so that they can escape before being harmed. We’ll only see abusive activity in the church end if we treat it like the spiritual warfare it is. “we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood,
but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those might powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms” Ephesians 6:12 (NLT).

The bad news is that church abuse is much more prevalent that we want to believe. The good news is that God is bigger than any problem. Our hope is in Him.

Fiction Imitates Life – Van Gogh Missing from Heist - and in Miniature

Police were still searching Monday for three masked men responsible for the daring heist of four Impressionist paintings Sunday from a private art museum in Zurich. The paintings, valued at $163 million, included works by Cezanne, Degas, Monet and Van Gogh.

The burglary follows on the heels of an earlier theft, also in Zurich, of two Picassos on loan from Germany. In a case of fiction imitating real life, the search for another missing Van Gogh is the focus of “SEARCHING FOR A STARRY NIGHT,” A Miniature Art Mystery by Christine Verstraete, coming in May from Quake/Echelon Press, LLC.

The missing painting is a miniature replica of Van Gogh’s famous work, “The Starry Night.” In SEARCHING FOR A STARRY NIGHT, Sam and her best friend, Lita, with the help of a mischievous Dachshund named Petey, try to find the missing painting so Sam's mother can get it to the museum, where it belongs.

Spooky family secrets unfold, Petey digs up an ancient curse, and Sam fears her friendship with her best friend is doomed. Can she find the miniature masterpiece before it's too late? Will she and her best friend, Lita, go home forever friends – or enemies?

Art Recovered! And.... was it a protest? See

http://stolenvermeer.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html

The article was posted on February 18th.

SEARCHING FOR A STARRY NIGHT will be published in May ’08 from Quake/Echelon Press, LLC, www.quakeme.com ISBN: 978-1-59080-579-4

Contact: Christine Verstraete

Thousands Participate in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo)

Oakland, Calif. --- www.NaNoWriMo.org --- October, 2007 --- There are some who say writing a novel takes awesome talent, strong language skills, academic training, and years of dedication.

Not true. All it really takes is a deadline – a very, very tight deadline – and a whole lot of coffee.

Welcome to National Novel Writing Month: a nonprofit literary crusade that encourages aspiring novelists all over the world to write a 50,000-word novel in a month. At midnight on Nov. 1, more than 100,000 writers from over 70 countries – poised over laptops and pads of paper, fingers itching and minds racing with plots and characters – will begin a furious adventure in fiction. By 11:59 PM on Nov. 30, thousands of them will be novelists.

NaNoWriMo is the largest writing contest in the world. In 2006, over 79,000 people took part in the free challenge. And while the event stresses fun and creative exploration over publication, sixteen NaNoWriMo novelists have had their NaNo-novels published, including Sarah Gruen, author of New York Times #1 Best Seller, Water for Elephants.

Around 18% of NaNoWriMo participants "win" every year by writing 50,000 words and validating their novels on the organization's website before midnight on Nov 30. Winners receive no prizes, and no one at NaNoWriMo ever sees the manuscripts submitted.

So if not for fame or fortune, why do people do it?

"The 50,000-word challenge has a wonderful way of opening up your imagination and unleashing creative potential like nothing else," says NaNoWriMo Director (and eight-time NaNoWriMo winner) Chris Baty. "When you write for quantity instead of quality, you end up getting both. Also, it's a great excuse for not doing any dishes for a month."

For the past eight years, Baty has sent out weekly pep talks to participants in November. This year, he's passing the pep talking torch to established authors, including mystery writer Sue Grafton, master storyteller Tom Robbins, and renowned fantasy writer Neil Gaiman.

Last year, Christee Gabour Atwood attracted national attention as she completed 50,000-word challenge in the window of a Waldenbooks while wearing a chicken suit.

Why? “Because I knew that someday someone would beat the record of writing a book in a store window, but I doubted that anyone else would be silly enough to do it in a chicken suit. It’s my moment in history … as pitiful as that sounds.”

Atwood is keeping her 2007 “NaNo Identity” secret at this time and plans to reveal it in the window of Waldenbooks in Baton Rouge, Louisiana on November 1.

The daily word-count goal is 1,667 words. Municipal Liaisons around the world organize local meetings to provide writers with advice, inspiration, and support. This year Atwood serves as the ML for much of the state of Louisiana.

If you would like more information about National Novel Writing Month, or would like to talk to participants from NaNoWriMo chapters in your area, please visit our website at www.NaNoWriMo.org, or contact Christee Gabour Atwood at Christee@Christee.biz to find out about NaNoWriMo events in Louisiana.

Scientists Need to Explore All Cells to Find Treatment

Stem Cell Research: Scientists Will Need to Explore All Types of Cells to Find Treatment for More Illnesses and Conditions

Right to Recover: Winning the Political and Religious Wars over Stem Cell Research in America Compares Embryonic Stem Cells with Adult Stem Cells and Gives Reasons Why Both Should be Federally Funded

A new book written by Nashville author, Yvonne Perry, challenges preconceived religious and political ideas in hopes of changing the way Americans view blastocystic (embryonic) stem cell research. Right to Recover: Winning the Political and Religious Wars over Stem Cell Research in America (ISBN: 978-1-933449-41-8) was released on October 1 by Nightengale Press to coincide with the start up of the 2008 presidential election campaigns.

The book contains biological facts and scientific data about all types of stem cell research in a way that most people can understand. One question Perry poses in her book is this: “If cord blood, amniotic fluid, and bone marrow contain stem cells, and there is no controversial issue with these cells, then why do we need research on blastocyst (embryonic) stem cells?”

The simple truth is there are no substitutes for pluripotent stem cells. While cord blood, amniotic fluid, adult stem cells, reprogramming of cells and other alternate research certainly deserve study, no credible expert supports using them as a replacement for blastocysts stem cells leftover from in-vitro fertilization. Each type of cell has its own unique characteristics and abilities.

There are no moral issues attached to the use of cord blood and amniotic fluid, but like adult stem cells, these have already differentiated and have different characteristics than in-vitro blastocyst (IV-B) stem cells. Days-old blastocyst stem cells allow a range of research on the very earliest stages of human development and are more versatile than adult stem cells or fetal cells extracted months later from amniotic fluid or from cord blood at birth.

Scientists are still trying to discover which set of stem cell characteristics will ultimately be needed to cure or treat certain diseases. Here are a few key features we know about IV-B stem cells and adult stem cells (ASC):

IV-B stem cells are indefinite, robust, and self-renewable. IV-B stem cells can transform into virtually any type of cell of the body. Pluripotency disappears as differentiation occurs and development continues.

ASCs are limited in the number of cells they are able to transform into; in other words, they can only create more of the same type of cells as they already are. For that reason, adult cells are not able to do the same things as IV-B stem cells, which have the characteristics researchers believe are needed to cure some diseases.

Stem cells exist in relatively large numbers in IV-Bs. IV-Bs will not always be needed once a stem cell line of every race and condition is created by nuclear transfer cloning.

ASC or multipotent progenitor stem cells have not yet been found in all tissues of the body. In fact, they are scarce in the brain. If neural stem cells are needed, they must be generated from blastocyst stem cells. Bone marrow stem cells must be revved up with medication to stimulate their growth before they can be used for transplantation in the treatment of cancer.

Any knowledge gained from blastocyst stem cells will complement studies of adult and all other types of stem cells, and vice versa. Most scientists agree that therapy advances will be found by responsibly investigating all aspects of stem cell biology.

“Regardless of whether the therapies come from adult stem cells, cord blood, amniotic fluid, or IV-B research, all of humanity stands to profit from stem cell treatment and technology,” says Perry. “Whether it comes from the U.S. or another country, the cure for Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, heart disease, spinal cord injury, diabetes, or other illness or injuries is within reach.”

With a foreword by Dr. Evan Snyder of Burnham Institute and endorsements from Cure Paralysis Now, Don C. Reed of California’s Prop 71, Christopher Reeve Foundation, and many others, Perry’s book, while controversial, is a concise and accurate picture of the biology and legislation regarding stem cell research in the U.S and globally. For more information about the book see www.right2recover.com

Reverend Dan Bloodworth of The Brian Bloodworth Stroke and Head Injury Research Foundation gave Ms. Perry Biblical references to support blastocystic stem cell research. An entire chapter is dedicated to helping Christians understand this incredible gift God has given humanity. Rev. Bloodworth says, “It is such a pleasure to work with a writer like Yvonne Perry. She has truly researched the research and spent hundreds of hours to find the facts to share with the readers of RIGHT TO RECOVER. Over the years I have read literally thousands of articles and documents from around the world about this subject and RIGHT TO RECOVER is the most complete work I have ever read. It provides an honest evaluation and asks readers to consider the facts and then form their own opinion instead of listening to people who have never researched the subject.”

To purchase the book online go to www.nightengalepress.com or amazon.com. The book may be ordered in bookstores as well.

Obama Flap over Black Gospel Singer Shows Race is Issue in Presidential Race

The Hutchinson Political Report

Media Release

October 23, 2007
for Immediate Release
Contact: Earl Ofari Hutchinson
323-296-6331

Author Says That Obama Flap over Black Gospel Singer Points to Race as a Continuing Issue in Presidential race

Forthcoming Book The Ethnic Presidency: How Race Decides the Race to the White House

Political analyst Earl Ofari Hutchinson publicly challenged Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama to repudiate the anti-gay bashing views of black Grammy winning gospel singer Donnie McClurkin. Obama scheduled a late October gospel tour in South Carolina with McClurkin. Obama issued a statement in response insisting that he supports gay rights and disagrees with McClurkin’s views.

However, Hutchinson notes that the black vote in South Carolina and other states is crucial to Obama’s success, as well as the success of his chief rival Hillary Clinton. In his forthcoming book The Ethnic Presidency: How Race decides the Race to the White House (February 2008 Middle Passage Press), Hutchinson details the huge role race and ethnic politics will play in the fight for the White in 2008.

The McClurkin flap is part of that fight since the singer is loved and admired by a large segment of evangelical leaning African-American voters. Obama wants and needs those votes. “Obama, Clinton, Edwards and the top Republican presidential contenders will embrace and ignore racial issues during their campaigns,” says Hutchinson,” But no matter what course they take those issues won’t be far from the political table.”

Hutchinson’s book, The Ethnic Presidency, details how the approach and avoidance on race and ethnic politics by the candidates will define their campaigns and influence voter decisions. The Ethinic Presidency available in January 2008.

Political Analyst Disputes Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales on Hispanic Values

Author and political analyst Earl Ofari Hutchinson disputes the contention of former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales that Hispanic values are American values. Gonzales inadvertently feeds the myth that there are two sets of values for Hispanics and Americans

Middle Passage Press 5517 Secrest Dr. Los Angeles, Cal. 90043 323-296-6331 http://www.middlepassagepress.com

October 3, 2007 For Immediate Release Contact: Barbara Bramwell 323-296-6331 Political Analyst Disputes Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales on Hispanic Values in His New Book The Latino Challenge to Black America

Author and political analyst Earl Ofari Hutchinson disputes the contention of former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales that Hispanic values are American values. Gonzales inadvertently feeds the myth that there are two sets of values for Hispanics and Americans. That fear has fueled much of the debate, rancor, and hostility over illegal immigration. Gonzales for instance praises his father for his hard work and sacrifice but that hard work and sacrifice that he holds in high esteem is no different than the hard work and sacrifices that all Americans have made in their lives to move up the social and economic scale. That’s not a Hispanic value, that’s an American value. “Gonzales also feeds the fears of many Americans,” says Hutchinson, “That Hispanics have a separate and distinct culture from those of other Americans.” Hutchinson in his new book, The Latino Challenge to Black America: Towards a Conversation between African-Americans and Hispanics tells why so many Latinos have embraced American culture and values. He details how their support of military service, their rush to learn English, and their fight for better educational and job opportunities has enriched the American experience. “This is the American way,” says Hutchinson. His book tells why that is, Gonzales’s view to the contrary.

Interview Earl Ofari Hutchinson 323-296-6331

About Hutchinson Political Report
Hutchinson Political report is a cutting edge news and public issues reporting and commentary blog site. Its focus is on political, minority, and African-American issues and commentary by Earl Ofari Hutchinson.

This is the Place by Carolyn Howard Johnson

This particular blog --current events-- interested me most, though. For one thing, in The Frugal Book Promoter I tell authors that they should watch current events and try to tie their novels to them. It's easy for nonfiction writers to do this but it seems a hard concept for many novelists to get.

Now to current events for my novel. This Is the Place has seen a revival recently because it ties to three current events. But first, you should know that This Is the Place is a novel set in Utah in the 50s, a time and place when repression was severe. It explores several aspects of intolerance.

So, currently:

Big Love, the HBO series about a polygamist cult just completed its 2nd season. Yes, there are polygamists (the original settlers in Utah) in This Is the Place.

Jeff Green is finally going to trial as an accessory for marrying a young girl to one of his relatives. He is the prophet of the unrecognized sect of Mormonism in Utah and Arizona.

Mitt Romney is running for the Republican nomination for president. Because he is a Mormon, he calls Utah his Zion. And, there is actually a minor character in This Is the Place running for public office.

As an aside, This Is the Place, won eight awards including a Reviewers' Choice Award.

Carolyn Howard-Johnson

Award-winning author of the HowToDoItFrugally Series of Books for authors. Introducing The Frugal Editor: Put Your Best Book Forward to Avoid Humiliation and Ensure Success, now available for pre-orders at http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0978515870/

Please sign up for my "Sharing with Writers" newsletter: Put "Subscribe" in an e-mail to HoJoNews@aol.com. Learn more athttp://www.HowToDoItFrugally.com . , http://www.sharingwithwriters.blogspot.com, and http://www.authorscoalition.blogspot.com.

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